EDREI ... COMING SOON...

Warning:  This will be long.  If you are not interested, I suggest you hit that BACK button now.  Hehe, this will take some of your time.  I only shared this to a couple of people, and this has been way back so I figure I don't need to share it anymore.  Until recently, God made me realize, there are experiences I had to go through because there are specific people that may need to hear it.  I didn't now it not until my leadership group earlier today.

Another disclaimer, this is not a story of a previous drug-addict turned Christian or a criminal finding it's way to God or whatnot.  It's not really deep if you're going to look in it's entirety, but regardless, this is for those specific group of people who may need it (hopefully lol).

A little background, I grew up in a Christian family (told you this is not dramatic).  Infact my dad was a pastor.  He was the senior pastor of a church he planted here in the southern metro.   So that was the lifestyle I grew into.  The whole church thing is nothing new to me.  I was basically a good kid, and my family is pretty normal.  We lived in a decent enough house.  My dad's salary, well, it was able to feed the family, that time I was the only kid.  Even before, I kind of know the rituals of the church, that was my life.  Given that I always thought that everyone was looking at me since I'm the senior pastor's oh so handsome kid (still am lol).  I was used to being the center of attention, and I liked it.  I sure am so BIBO.  I sing, I dance, I recite verses, I recite always in the sunday school.  You name it, I do it.  Everything for me was performing.  There was this subliminal need in me to be perfect in everything I do just because I thought I needed to be because my dad was a pastor.  I did fine for the first few years of my life. 

Come the latter part of my elementary years, I realized, I'm not as smart as my classmates were, I'm in the honors section but was just hanging there.  I didn't realize it but something is starting to grow inside of me.  I'm not one of the best, I'm not one of the athletic so that kind of stuck in my head.  It was starting to define the next few years of my life.  During the start of High School, my dad planted a new church here in Las Pinas and it started to have some well-of members.  I on the other hand had to transfer to a public school as finances, as I have realized, are becoming a problem.  This is where that THING grew overdrive inside of me.  As the senior pastor, my dad was invited to a lot of events of the members.  Man, I never saw such amazing houses.  One had 10 bedrooms, another has 3 cars, a pool, so on and so forth.  Me on the other hand had to settle for a small two bedroom ancestral house.  I had to settle for jeepneys over our member's cars.  That THING started feeding lies into my head. 

Obviously, it's really not a big deal but that THING just made a drama out of everything.  That THING was called Insecurity.  As my growing mind started realizing that there are so much things I don't have, INSECURITY started building a fortress in my head.  I became envious of a lot of things.  I developed some good friendship inside the church, and I was so badly envious of the lives they have.  One goes to an International school, I go to a public school by a dirty creek.  One is an A student in a prestigous college, I settled for 3.00 in a State University.  Sorry about that, I skipped some parts as they just mean my insecurities ran from elementary to a little after College.  One is a model, I have flabby abs (lol and I honestly thought I was ugly, diba, imagine... bwahahaha kidding).  Seriously though, I hated myself, I hated the way I look.  I hated the way I sing.  I hated my mind.  I hated everything in me.  To cut it short (as if lol), I have something to be envious about with almost everyone.  Spiritually I was dying, and I started HATING God for making me a nobody.  I kept on blaming Him, that He gave me nothing.  I don't know who I was, I have NO IDENTITY.  Because of those things, I became a very depressed person that it spiraled to ALMOST becoming Manic (I was able to talk to someone who was clinically diagnosed with such after all these.  I was able to relate to some of his stories, especially as to how it started, good thing mine is just almost).  You see, nothing is really wrong outside, but my oppressions was inside.  I even become more depressed just by thinking I'm depressed.

I'll give you an example of how things got out of hand, oh and no one knew this as I have a very smiling facade.  A performing facade who sings, who dances, who speaks infront of people but was rotten inside.  My depression works like this (this is so weird I tell you, I'm actualy laughing remembering it):  I read a news from an email about people who injects AIDS viruses in cinemas (this was apparently just a rumor according to SNOPES.com as no actual report has been done).  Anyway, my mindset would go like this in seconds, "Hmmm, I wonder what if this happens to me?""Oh my, I'll have AIDS""Oh God why did you gave me such a miserable life, now I have AIDS!"   Then I will dwell on it the rest of my day no matter how happy my day may start.  Bwahahaha I was that weird (Still am weird, in a different light lol).

I'll go back to my disclaimer, this is not an intense story that will inspire millions, this is just for people whose oppressions are in their minds.  As shallow as this may seem, it was still causing me pain inside.

Moving forward, this is where I really want to go, after all the endless nights of crying out to God, sometimes for help, sometimes to complain.  Those shouts in my room.  Those hiding how rotten I was infront of many, this is where I really want to go with this blog:


All those first paragraphs are the past, and I do not need to dwell on it, this is one of the very few times I shared this in the last 3 years.  I just want to share how God lead me out.  I always will remember that day when He personally showed me a miracle infront of a mirror.  A week before a certain weekend, I was supposed to lead a "CELL" group in my previous church (I told you, nobody knew).  I was looking for something to share so my dad suggested Psalms 139 (Haha some of you know where this is going already, for those who doesn't know yet, read on). 


It started to speak in me, I started to realize what was happening to me.  So I made a list of things to be thankful for because I was just tired of my situation.  It ran for a week, until THAT certain weekend.  I was in my parents room, they were downstairs.  I was infront of a mirror, with the lampshade turned-on (it was a very good lighting I tell you, lol).  I was playing (coughs) Backstreet Boys (coughs) in the background (lol).  I was dancing and singing to it pretending I'm their sixth member (bwahahaha).  Anyway, I started to notice my reflection looks good (blame the good lighting lol).  Basically, for a while I was drawn to it, haha.  Something happened that changed my life...

I heard in my heart, somebody told me "Regalo ko sa'yo yan" (That's my gift for you).  I will never forget those words, I'm so sure in my heart that that was God.  It stopped my world.  I started crying.  It continued, "Then why do you keep on comparing yourself to others?  Why do you hurt me so much?"  I'm an artist so I knew the hurt God was feeling, oh man and He made me feel it.  I am His masterpiece, but the way I lambast myself is ridiculous.  I know how it feels to have my work rejected, it feels like a rejection to my whole being.  I was rejecting myself, so therefore, I was rejecting God.  I ran to the bathroom with tears overflowing.   "If I remove everything I have given you, will you still be happy?"  I didn't give a response as I knew I would be a hypocrite if I sey yes, and I don't want to say no.  I was so still for awhile, then He reminded me of my "thank-you" list.  "Even if there's only one thing left that you can write there, I will assure you a joyful, fulfilled and an amazing Christian life!"  He reminded me of PSALMS 139, especially verse 14"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  Right there, infront of me, my identity in Him was being established.  What God sees everytime He looks at me.  Right infront of me, life was breathed.  I was never the same from that day on.  I can walk boldly knowing How God sees me.  Knowing in full confidence that my SECURITY is in Him.

To the people who can relate, don't settle in that life of insecurity, there is a way out, and it's awesome.  I never have regretted knowing God and having a relationship with Him, else I don't know where I will end up.

John 4:24 says to worship in spirit and in truth.  This is my truth.  If there's any good that came out of this, it's my heart for worship.  During my dark times, there's no one I can turn to but still cry out to God.  I have so much TAMPO in Him, and it's ok.  I didn't know God was preparing my heart to lead people into worship.  What's my spirit and truth?  That He took me out of the darkness into His Marvelous Light!

What's there to be insecure about?